A Beginning Thought.

keepcalmnwriteon.

There comes a time where you have to make a decision between who you are and who you want to be. When you look back and see which decision you made it leaves you as in one of two states. Happy you followed your heart, or sitting wondering how you ended up in the position you have gotten to.

So Lets sit back and think about where we are together and if its where we want to be or better yet where we should be. Is there one memory you can pick out that changed it all for you? Or a build up of life moments that landed you here. A moment can mean more then a lifetime of memories, if that moment means it will define you, and set you on the path of the rest of your life.

Will you stay this way forever now?

Or could another…

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the end.

We are drowning in the silence as we sit across each other. It has become a cycle that we clearly are not getting tired of going through. Neither of us wants to back down. I’ve reached a point whereby I don’t think I can do this anymore, it has gotten too much for me to handle and go through over and over again. I’m willing to surrender, giving it all up. It’s going to be harder than it seems, as we were once in such a space that the end was not part of the what we had planned for life.

I heard your voice, but it was coming from someone that I had no remembrance of, of someone I once knew. It somehow paints a reassuring picture, that things will be alright, they will get better. That is what we keep telling ourselves when things go south, and we get back at it again to holding hands like a newly wed couple.

It wasn’t easy giving up my heart so it will not be easy giving up us. When I arrived at the cross roads, the roads we marked very clear and I knew what I needed to do.

Don’t really know what I will do with all that new gained and found freedom. I wonder will I ever be on your mind, if the last goodbye will be the last words we will ever say to each other.

I think of the times spent together, all the great memories shared and created, they seem to make me very happy. I think about the worst too, that I would rather forget. I wish that I do not get to a point whereby I will wish and yearn to be in your company again to share a couple of laughs again or to be in your arms

But this is the end.

On My Own.

I don’t know why, but I felt the need to point it out that this was written in the dark, in my room, after some serious thoughts had been running through my head. And it has been on my mind for the last couple of days actually.

So it’s almost 3 months since my break up, and I think it has affected me more than I’d like to imagine. And how I had time to give this some serious thought leaves me bewildered because I’m in the middle of my exams. And I’m one person that all emotions related to chest pains and such take a back seat if things are at a peak academically. Even when the relationship came to an end, I was in the middle of my semester tests and assignments, and I didn’t have to give it much thought, but I shelved everything until recess and that was when I dealt with everything.

I took some time out, and drank all the pain away, played all the sad songs that you could think off, even the “I’ll be fine, I’m moving on” type of songs too. But the time I was busy dealing with everything, my ex had already moved on from the point of break up, so all questions and whatever I had to dealt with, I had to do it on my own, and of course subject my friends to it all. That was a rough 2 weeks, and yes I do know that 2 weeks is not even a fraction of the required time to get over someone whom you shared 2 years of your life with. But that was all I had.

But this is not about my breakup and heartbreak, but it all plays a part. Being single means that I’ve been celibate for a while (almost 6 months), even before we broke up because it was long distance relationship. And being someone with a very healthy sexual appetite, the effects start to show and take over my life because one of my basic needs as a human as described by Maslow is not being fulfilled. And this is a sort of a huge issue because it’s the longest I’ve been celibate for, in my life.

But the mind-boggling part is I’m in this situation where I am in need of some serious gratification, a good fuck around. And being single means that I am at liberty to go out there and take a pick and do the deed until the pigs start flying, with whomever I want. But I haven’t done so. Even when the options are there, I just find a way to side track them. I even started convincing myself that I’m doing the whole 6-month celibacy thing, holding it off for the greater good, which is yet to be identified.

Besides not wanting to take the next person that comes my way, bed them, and regret it once we are both satisfied, because regret comes in the morning, I struggled to find a reason why I’m holding it off. Oh, and there are the morals too, those that guide me on the path of the straight and narrow, but I’ve known myself to leave those at the door when it comes to some good ol’ sex.

I’ve already established that I’m nowhere ready for another relationship because I’m still gathering the pieces, finding them where ever they my lay and trying to put it all together. And it’s going to be quite a while before I can say I want to enter into anything else. And no, I’m not still hung up on my ex. I have made peace with the fact that ship has long sailed and sunk like the titanic, and all that remains is a great legend that will forever be retold.

All I want to is to finally find myself in a situation whereby I’m exchanging bodily fluids with someone or finding a solution to suppress all these urges. It’s so easy to initiate something but I can never follow through with it until the very end. I feel that that part of me is still stuck somewhere, with fingers crossed; I’m hoping that it is not with my ex.

Now I’m here wondering why, why I just will not let myself be great and prosper. The infamous no strings attached, or even the rebound don’t seem like they will do the trick. I think I have grown a whole lot since the last time I was single. I just actually want to be on my own, a huge step away from what I’m used to (this does not infer that I get around a lot), I guess that’s what making everything so hazy. Growth. Since I’ve gotten through the withdrawal symptoms, I’m kind of enjoying being on my own. Just once I find a way to deal with these sexual urges, then I’m good to go.

I’ll be on my own till I’m good and ready because if I go out there and find someone to be with , physically and emotionally, I’ll find myself with a body count nearing the triple digits, disappointment and a trail of broken hearts, mine included. #20WhoreTeen still continues though, embrace the inner whore in you, even if you are chose.

To my crush, don’t lose hope. 

2014 June 08 11:23:05 PM

I did not wake up like this

pattysthreeandahalfcents

I am who I am today because of everything I have been through.  All characteristics you see are merely the phenotype to the genome that is my past experiences.  Everything I am today is a summary of my life from the time I took my first breath until the time I typed the last word you just read.

 

 You have not experienced my experiences.  You did not hold my hand through these moments.  You did not wipe my tears after my spirit was crushed.  You do not know the words, feelings, looks, attitudes and lessons I have had to endure in order for me to become who I am today. All you see is the finished product, or rather, the work in progress, because life is not through with me yet.  

 

 

I did not wake up one morning and decide to possess these “annoying” characteristics.  I…

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