Before you start dating, there is a check-box that your potential mate should match up to, or at least attempt to. In our social circles, we have a preference of a certain kind or type of people that we want and, not only so that we get along well, but to enjoy each other and learn from each other. It is all personal preference and not much can be done about it because it is whom you desire to interact with. However, is our being picky and choosy not prejudice showcased as preference?
Prejudice is defined as preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience and it is also the harm or injury that results from some sort of action or judgment. Simply, it means not becoming familiar with the relevant facts before forming an opinion or prejudging something or someone, especially based on race, ethnicity, skin color and other related factors. I will run with these definitions throughout, just so that we are clear.
Your preference and taste, if I may call it that, is there to help you navigate through the awkward socializing scenarios from a large pool to a few individuals that you find worthy of your time. What if your preference is just there without a valid reason? “I will not sit and have lunch with them just because…”. Are you aware that that might be an act of prejudice? We have a preference because of how we relate to people, now you excluding a particular ethnic group or gender because of your beliefs and attitude toward them. We base our preference on a personal positive experience or on a stereotype that we have so much belief in, it enable us to overlook a certain group of people.
Prejudice manifests in three ways: the cognitive level, which is what we believe about others, for example the stereotypes. Then there is the emotional level that are the feelings that the other arouses within us, the joy, sadness, lust, fear, solidarity, all that is depending on how you view them. Lastly, there is the behavioral, which is the tendency to exhibit discriminatory behavior. Social psychology has taught us that prejudice is an attitude, but when it results in an action, it is discrimination.
We do not have to answer to anybody about whom or what we prefer, right? Our constitution allows us the freedom of choice. That is right, but not if your choice is going to alter society and how we view each other until who knows when, whether it’ race or ethnicity that we choosing from. You are allowed the free will to choose and pick as you please, as long there is not a negative reason or motive that is not related to personal experience that is a driving factor in your decision. There is a very thin line between preference and prejudice and you must be careful as to your preference to not easily overlap, to be prejudice. Or even worse using it as cover up for your bigotry, conscious or not.
But, where do we draw the line? Can we all clearly distinguish that fine line between prejudice and preference in our own lives as well as in others? Where does it end so that we do not end up offending the next individual from the minority or a specific ethnic group? It is difficult to point out and say “here is the line, I should not cross over”. It is also difficult to distinguish what we are doing, whether it is low-key racism and prejudice, because it is a grey area. It is justifiable actions; however, do our choices have other consequences?
Society has found ways to cover up its inherent prejudice under a fabricated notion of personal preference. Racial and ethnic filtering is well and alive in society. I understand that not everybody can look beyond the color line and ethnicity to see whether the grass is greener on the other side or not. However, we do need to re-think our beliefs and so called preference through for other underlying ulterior motives that we do not even realize.
Social factors that could influence our “personal preference” include privilege, cultural influences, your environment to name but a few. Many of us due to these factors and not realizing it, display our prejudice without being fully aware of our actions and situation, as we see it as a day-to-day harmless action. Like picking whole wheat bread over low GI. Prejudice that is harbored subconsciously and is expressed inadvertently is a bigger problem than that which is exhibited consciously as we would want to defend and justify our actions. And as long as it is hidden, and society does not realize this, it will continue having a negative effect that we will never be able to reverse. It is as harmful as the one that is consciously practiced.
The idea that somebody can never measure up to you and your standards just because they are Xhosa or Zulu, and not them as an individual runs rampant in our society, covering it up as “I’m a picky dater” or “I choose whom I socialize with carefully”. Shouldn’t personality, lifestyle and behavior be the influential reason in you deciding to date or interact with someone on all levels?
There is nothing wrong at all with having a strong liking to a specific physical trait like being buff, short, blue eyes or nappy hair even though that should only go to a certain extent. However, claiming to being attracted to a particular culture or ethnic groups is not only shallow but also discriminatory and your subdued prejudice is as real as misogyny in the hip-hop culture. Personal preferences should be respected as we cannot have a liking for everybody, but it should not be the most important and deciding factor used to base your preference on, as it is inherently prejudice.
The problem here is that we as a society believe and would like to live in a homogeneous manner, whereas we live in a heterogeneous society, unless you living somewhere in the middle of nowhere in the Northern Cape. We need to recognize each other as equals. A paradigm shift needs to happen, it will not happen overnight but it should take place. A change in our behavior too, that would I ultimate change our attitude towards some things will surely follow.
Do we need to prefer everybody? Does your preference consider you racist or is it all a matter of personal taste? Can we use your preferences and see them as a disguise for a semi-socially acceptable way to say that you are racist? Is it also not better to state for what we are looking for rather than what you are not looking for? If you are sticking and confining yourself to one ethnic group, are you not potentially limiting yourself to meeting amazing individuals from the other that you look down upon?
So the next time you include “I don’t date people of color”, “sorry, blacks only”, “I would never date a Zulu guy” in your conversation or on your LookingForLove.com profile, take time to think about what fueled and motivated your preference. Think carefully and deeply what that statement really says and the effect it could have for society, beyond narrowing down your dating pool. Also, throw out your checklist and see what you draw in.
Chronicles Of John Doe 